Permanent
by DirgeOfDecember
Summary: 'Is this the moment where I look you in the eye? Forgive my broken promise that you'll never see me cry...' — NickxEllis — WARNING: mentions of death and suicidal thoughts


**Title:** Permanent  
**Fandom:** Left 4 Dead 2  
**Pairing:** NickxEllis  
**Rating:** PG-ish, I guess.  
**Warnings:** Slash, character death (non-Survivor), mentions of other character death, mentions of suicidal thoughts, cursing, possibly spastic writing  
**Pages:** 4  
**Word Count:** 1,488  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Left 4 Dead 2. The game, Nick, Ellis, and everyone else mentioned in this story belong to VALVe.

_There's a bit of a story behind this, but I'm not going to write a giant author's note for it. So, that being said, visit my dA and read the note there if you're so curious. The link to my deviantART account is on my profile._

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It had happened so quick.

No one had suspected. No one had known…

He should have seen it, and looking back on it now, it was so painfully obvious something had been wrong. So, so very _wrong_… And he hadn't done a damn thing sooner, because God, he had been so blind, so fucking _stupid_.

For fuck's sake, they had lived with her for a year, and for nearly another year after that, they made sure to at least visit for dinner every Sunday. He called her every night and talked to her for nearly an hour, sometimes more, ending the call with an "I love you, goodnight" and a promise to call again tomorrow.

And not once, not one goddamned time did he come to realize that something was going on.

Even standing there beside her hospice bed that first night, her hand in his, none of it seemed real. It felt like some terrible nightmare that not even the zombies could have compared to. Honestly, he expected to wake up from it at any second, and it had taken Nick pulling him into a crushing hug, whispering into his hair how sorry he was, how much he loved him, that he would always, _always_ be here for him and that it was okay to cry if he needed to, how he was going to get through this because he was strong enough—over and over and over again—to fill him with a cold, bitter realization that no, this was reality.

Nick… She'd adored him, which had come as both a surprise and such a heavy relief.

Ellis had been so afraid she would disapprove of him, due the fact that not only was Nick very obviously another man, but that he was also twelve years older (and only 10 years younger than she was), he didn't believe in God, he smoked, drank, gambled…

They hadn't even had to tell her about their relationship, which had made things that much easier on them.

Mother's Intuition, she had said.

They'd stood there on her doorstep, while Ellis awkwardly tried to introduce Nick with an obvious uncertainty of what to even _say_. All it had taken on her part was one good look before she welcomed Nick into the family with a warm smile and open arms, because he had been the reason that her baby boy was even standing there that morning, and what he did with his life didn't matter, so long as he did right by her son and made him happy.

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**"It isn't fair."** That was the mantra Ellis had quickly adopted after he'd received the news.

It wasn't fair, having to learn that she had been sick for years and hadn't said a word.

It wasn't fair, having to stand there by her bed, praying so fucking hard that God wouldn't take her away from him, because she was his _mother_ for fuck's sake and he'd already lost so much.

It wasn't fair, having to tell her, "Well, I'll always think you're the prettiest woman in the world—no, in the entire _universe_," like he was five years old again to make her smile and keep her spirits up while his own heart was faltering.

It wasn't fair, having to pretend he was strong enough to endure any of it.

It wasn't fair, having to begin the real wait for the inevitable and listen to her assure the two of them that the arrangements had been made a while ago, so they didn't have to worry about a thing.

It wasn't fair, having to witness her cognitive function begin failing from time to time, causing her to stare blankly as she tried to remember things like what day it was, where she was, their names…

And it sure as all hell wasn't fucking fair, having to press one last kiss to her forehead and say his final goodbyes and know that there wouldn't be any more promises to call tomorrow.

The only thing that felt fair at all was the knowledge that at least now, she was no longer suffering. She didn't have to live in constant pain any more. Her own personal Hell was over and, as much as Ellis—no matter how selfish he knew he was being—wished things were different, her new life in Heaven had begun.

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Nick let him grieve however he felt was necessary, even if that meant punching a hole or four in the walls and nearly breaking his hands a couple of times. He was allowed to break things; to throw things around the house; to scream until his throat was raw; to curse and struggle, push and beat at Nick's chest until his energy was spent and all he could do was finally give in and let himself find solace in the older man's arms.

And it wasn't until he'd found himself admitting two nights later that he was contemplating putting a gun to his head—and receiving a punch to the face for having such thoughts—that he realized how desperately alone he felt, even with Nick constantly by his side.

His entire life prior to the Infection was gone. Ripped away from him within the blink of an eye. Keith, and Dave, and all of the other people that he knew before…it had been hard enough not having them around. And now his mother…

It was all gone.

What was the point of trying to live when his life had been torn away?

Nick had showered him with kisses that night; frightened kisses as he held him so tightly, as if he was afraid that letting go meant Ellis would retrieve one of their guns and follow through with his thoughts.

It had been those kisses, however, and the tears that had dripped into his hair, onto his face and neck and chest, that made him realize that he _wasn't_ alone after all and that the world wasn't ending, no matter how much it felt like it was, and how stupid he'd been for even letting suicide come to mind at all.

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For the first time in two years, they had seen Coach and Rochelle, Nick having flown them out for the funeral the following morning in hopes that maybe having them there would make the mechanic feel even the tiniest bit better. Ellis could only wish they had been able to meet his mother, and he spent the night telling all three of them various stories about her.

Neither of them had questioned the split, swollen lip or the bruised, cut up hands. Rochelle just smiled and hugged him and pressed kisses to his cheeks with a chorus of "Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry." Coach gave his condolences, giving him a brief hug of his own.

Walking up to the casket with his hand in Nick's…placing the large bouquet of white lilies (they had been both his, and his mother's favorite) atop the casket's lid…watching the casket begin its descent into the Earth… It all felt too weird.

And Ellis tried so hard to stand there like a rock, like he was strong enough to endure everything after all and that he didn't have to pretend anymore, but they all knew the only thing that held him up, kept him from breaking down, was the conman holding onto him from behind, his arms wrapped securely around his waist, hands cradling his own badly trembling ones, their cheeks pressed together.

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It wasn't until the following morning, sometime after their friends had left, that Ellis had found himself crawling into Nick's lap on the couch and clinging to him as if his life depended on it.

For the first time, he allowed himself to cry his heart out into Nick's neck. Incoherent babbling slipped past his lips as he lost himself in the warmth and comfort of the man he loved, of the man he could only hope to hell and back wouldn't be taken away from him any time soon. The older man was all he had left, and _oh God_, if he ever disappeared from his life…that really would be the end.

There wouldn't be anything left, and there wouldn't be a goddamned thing stopping him from ending it all, just in case there was a possibility, a chance, that they could be together once more.

Both of them knew that.

All Nick could do in that moment was hold him, murmuring his own string of reassurances that he wasn't going anywhere—that he was a permanent fixture in Ellis' life and there was no getting rid of him now—as he pet his hair and rocked him gently until he finally fell into a quiet sleep, the first in a very long while.

It was also the first time in a long while that Ellis had fallen asleep with a smile on his face, however sad it might have been.


End file.
